Words by Psychotherapist Jane Faulkner
I’ve had a busy year of creating a new business and raising two pre-teens. Throughout my parenting career, there have been constant highlights and struggles, however, nothing has challenged me like this past year. I have had many occasions where I felt like a parenting failure and let’s face it, failing feels awful and creates so much self doubt!
Unfortunately, the parenting journey is full of opportunities to make mistakes and to feel like you are making a mess out of your kids. In my experience parenting takes guts, street smarts, a resilient heart and a warped sense of humour every day.
It’s often difficult to see your own situation clearly. However after mentoring many parents and teens over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to gain a lot of perspective about the rollercoaster of parenting. Regardless of what phase of parenting you’re at, these are five things I find helpful to remember when faced with a ‘challenging phase’ of parenting:
1.Take care of myself
The first integral practice has been to look after myself- to take time out, loosen up and get a different perspective. I can get wound up and demanding and this doesn’t help anyone and actually antagonises the whole situation, so rather than turn into a stressed out yelling woman I am choosing to go for a walk, see my horses, meditate or do yoga. This time helps me to regain my perspective and remember what is important. It also means that my kids can calm down and think things through.
2. Remember my role as the parent
The second one is to remember my role as the parent- sounds silly I know, however, when faced with a pre-teen who knows everything sometimes I forget and get lost and end up feeling wrong for setting boundaries and consequences. I need to remind myself that I am setting boundaries to help and support them, not to hurt, trigger (my son’s words) or control them.
3. Stepping back
The third one is learning more tough love – with everyone, I realise that I am a rescuer, I am good at seeing what needs to be done and getting in to do it. This is not a good way to be around kids that are capable of doing things for themselves. I have to learn to let go, to let them learn how to do things for themselves and also to let them feel the consequences of not doing those things.
4. Trust them
The fourth one is trust – to trust that they are good kids and that they will make the right decisions for themselves. To remember that they have lived with values and morals and that they know what is right from wrong. I need to trust that they are capable of making good decisions for themselves and their future. This is tricky territory as I want to provide guidance and this is very difficult through a child or teen’s resistance.
In therapy, we are taught to honour the resistance, to be curious about what the resistant person needs and why they feel they need to resist. In the face of resistance, I am reminded of my parents and how much my brothers and I resisted them. My Dad would hold firm against the resistance which was good for some of my siblings and not for others. It is so difficult because as parents we do have age and wisdom on our side, we don’t want our kids to make the same mistakes or have the pain that we had. This leads to my next point.
5. Detach
The fifth one is detachment- this one has been interesting, detaching from the resistance, meltdowns and difficult behaviours that can occur for any child at any age. Remaining clear on what needs to happen so that we can live- eat, dress, wash, learn and socialise. As humans, these are the basic fundamental things that need to be done every day!
How do you support yourself along your parenting journey? What daily practices have you developed to help keep you sane and to encourage connection and belonging for your family members? Post a comment below so we can help and support one another.
Jane Faulkner started her career as a Registered Nurse and has worked in hospitals in Australia and overseas. During her career as a nurse, she supported people through the difficult transitions of illness, grief, death, trauma, mental health issues and childbirth.
Jane has a Masters in Gestalt Psychotherapy, a Bachelor of Nursing, a Certificate in Initiatic Art Therapy and is certified in Equine Assisted Psychotherapist. Yoga is an integral part of her life, she is a Certified Iyengar Teacher and continues to study and teach in the Iyengar yoga tradition. She is an accomplished teacher, therapist, and facilitator and has led many women’s groups and Day Retreats, presented seminars and workshops, and worked with many different community groups and individuals.
Jane is the founder of Equine Assisted Therapy Australia, an organisation that provides training, retreats, programs and individual sessions that aim to provide individuals with a new and authentic ways to grow and learn more about themselves. Connect with Jane HERE.
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Jacqui says
Thanks Georgia for this timely article…just been in emotionally charged ‘negotiations’ with a newly 16 yo daughter who is keen to hit the party scene! Ugh. So good to read the reinforcement that we are their parents & it’s our role to set the boundaries; sometimes difficult to be accused of being this type of parent (a negative for my daughter) when so many other parents are intent on being ‘best friends’ with their kids. And also, a good reminder to trust her & her inherent good-kid-ness!
Georgia Harding says
It’s funny Jacqui because when Jane sent this post to me, the timing in our household was perfect too. I’m currently negotiating social media / screen time boundaries with my 13yr old. I agree it is 100% our role to set boundaries. I watched the Amy Winehouse documentary last week and they had footage of her talking about her upbringing without any boundaries at all (she admitted it wasn’t a good thing and played a role in her destructive behaviour as an adult). It also reinforced that sticking to my guns, despite being nothing like ‘the other mums’ was worth it in the long run.
In calm moments I have lucid conversations with my daughter and she admits to respecting my boundary setting (deep down). But in the heat of a confrontation – well, lets just say she’s always right (and anything but calm)!! Ha ha! Thanks for your feedback, G x
Lorelle says
I love this article Jane! Each point is spot on and definately relevant at all stages (battling the terrible 2’s here and the ‘but why’ 4’s lol). As always i stumble across your wise words at a time when they are most needed. This was super helpful and reassuring for this tired mumma!
Much love
Lorelle x
Kelly says
Thanks, great reminders. Finding a way to stay connected at times outside that direct conflict can help too – a cuddle before bed often works wonders for helping smooth things over.
Jane Faulkner says
Hi Kelly,
Great point, it’s so important to connect daily and a bedtime cuddle does work wonders,
Jane
Chelsea says
I love this, so timely. I’ve been struggling with parenting and my mum going into aged care. It is comforting to read this and know I’m not alone xx
Georgia Harding says
Hi Chelsea, sorry times are tough right now, sounds like a very emotional time for you. One thing I’ve found with my own kids is when I’ve got other emotionally charged things going on in my life or I’m really busy, they act up all the more. All the very best, you most certainly are not alone G x
Pauline Pollard says
Thanks for an interesting article Georgia. Yes, I agree that boundaries are important for children as it gives them much needed structure in their lives. However, these boundaries need to be consistent and something you create with your child together. Children will rebel if they feel that all control is taken away from them and that they don’t have a say.
Especially coming into the teen years – if you have never spent the time to actually listen and get to know what is happening from your child’s perspective, how can you expect your tennager to want to listen to you! It really is about building a relationship of trust, love and acknowledgement.
Georgia, regarding social media and internet time, it can be very tricky because when you read a book or newspaper you know when you have actually finished whereas the internet is endless!! I have found making a plan with my children about how long they can spend each day on social media and then create a log in log out book so they can use that time wisely has helped.
Thanks again for a timely article
Georgia Harding says
Thanks for weighing in Pauline. Yes I always negotiate boundaries with the kids so they have input and also so fully understand what the rules are. I also do my best to be consistent and follow through – agree they are equally important.
I agree communication is king too – especially during the teens years. It’s one of the reasons I insist on us eating together at breakfast and dinner – it’s amazing what is revealed at the dinner table lol! Have a great weekend G x
Chelsea says
its always comforting to know you are not the only one with such as struggle, appreciate all the above views
Georgia Harding says
Yes I agree Chelsea, it’s always great to feel supported. G x